He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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