maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just sent this text using only my big toe
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
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