I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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