Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
