for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
