i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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