oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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