According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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