so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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