after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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