i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
