Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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