And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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