So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
