he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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