We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
