You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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