Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize