I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
