My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
