i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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