How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
