i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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