What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We need to get me chipped asap
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
