Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
