thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
