i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
