I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
