Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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