Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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