Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
