I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize