They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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