Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
