escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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