Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
