You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
