they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
