Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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