i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
