I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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