Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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