I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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