Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
