Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
