the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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