Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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