I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
