is your mom at the bar?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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