I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
