His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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