watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
