I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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