Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
