So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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