but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
