Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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