She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
